For context: Intro to My Happiness Project
Last month’s resolution of focusing on motherhood went fairly well (but admittedly was not a drastic change from the norm).
As for being present, I think that putting PJ in daycare has made me better able to focus on spending time with her on our days together and doing ‘what needs to be done’ on my ‘off’ days. We went to the zoo, which forced me and her to really bond in the moment.
Creating mementos hasn’t really taken off quite yet, but I did get a great idea to make a quilt out of PJ’s old onesies etc. I’d always tinkered with the idea of cutting and stapling my favorite designs to some cheap canvases, but there are so many cute ones and my walls are crowded. Plus, I’d love for my future grandbaby to be swaddled in his/her mother’s old clothes.
I’m thinking the concept would look something like a combination of these:
Though my patience did wear thin at times, I’ve surprised even myself with secret reserves of calm– these usually come out when my husband is showing an even more surprising lack thereof. But I like to think I exhibit little acts of patience throughout the day, even if sometimes I fall off the wagon when she cries because she wants to take her chips to bed at nap time. Taking a walk to the mailbox for the sixth time that day or gratefully ‘eating’ the plate full of dice she lovingly made me makes me feel just slightly redeemed for snatching the bag of Baked Lays from her tiny grasp.
Forgiveness for PJ is easy, but for myself it’s harder. When I lose myself in a Lays moment, I look back at it while lying in bed at night, asking myself why I couldn’t have done better. It’s so easy to imagine Instagram moms don’t have these break downs or if they do, they’re rare. It’s also easy to imagine that her daycare teachers glare at me while I stand there awkwardly trying to detach my child and inevitably have to wait for them to physically take her from me– like ripping away a layer of skin –leaving me embarrassed and slightly naked.
And of course part of me feels like I deserve this scrutiny because I don’t need to take her those two days and I’m practically abandoning her for four weeks whilst I galavant across the UK. Guilt seems to be an inextricable part of motherhood. But I will continue to try to lessens its weight.
For more of my thoughts and writings on motherhood this month, click here.
And don’t forget to check out my resolutions for Month Ten: Friendship!